Darwin vs. YOU, Redux
Idiocy abounds
I renew my call for the specie-cide (I invented this word) of sharks now that they have directly threatened a Canadian. Given what we now know about the world fish supply, the time to act is now.
I renew my call for the specie-cide (I invented this word) of sharks now that they have directly threatened a Canadian. Given what we now know about the world fish supply, the time to act is now.
Many people wish to reverse Darwin’s fateful slither, and many of my friends consider themselves members of an increasingly large group of lunatics who think it is a perfectly fine activity to jump into the water with a pork chop tied around their neck and pet large predatory animals.
For whatever reason, people who take the greatest of care not to attract bears or wolves in the wild (where they can at least run away or climb a tree) will gladly submerge themselves into the open underwater spaces to toy with an equally, if not more so, dangerous large carnivore. Well, these underwater safari’s are just more proof of what I have believed all along- the curiosity of humans is the Darwinian characteristic that will ultimately do us in- you don’t see monkey’s having a closer look at something that can take a big bite out of them, do you!
Now if I was to tell you that there was a human being who preyed on the injured, initially survived on in utero cannibalism only to evolve to eat his own young at every opportunity, provided the young of no other species were around, what would we do to this person? Further, if I told you this ghastly beast could smell blood at two miles, and intentionally injured people just so he could return later to finish them off- who wouldn’t tell me that we should do everything in our power to arrest this maniac before he hurts us or our children. But if I told you it was a shark, the World Wildlife Fund, Steve Irwin's replacement and the Friends Of Ocean Living Sharks (F.O.O.L.S.) would be screaming that we protect it and worship the important role they play in the oceanic eco-system.
Apparently, according these kind thoughtful people, sharks are just really misunderstood. Well, that’s ridiculous- I understand them fine. If I am in the middle of the ocean, and bleeding, I am going to get eaten by a shark. Anyone who disagrees with this proposition is an imbecile.
Now if I was to tell you that there was a human being who preyed on the injured, initially survived on in utero cannibalism only to evolve to eat his own young at every opportunity, provided the young of no other species were around, what would we do to this person? Further, if I told you this ghastly beast could smell blood at two miles, and intentionally injured people just so he could return later to finish them off- who wouldn’t tell me that we should do everything in our power to arrest this maniac before he hurts us or our children. But if I told you it was a shark, the World Wildlife Fund, Steve Irwin's replacement and the Friends Of Ocean Living Sharks (F.O.O.L.S.) would be screaming that we protect it and worship the important role they play in the oceanic eco-system.
Apparently, according these kind thoughtful people, sharks are just really misunderstood. Well, that’s ridiculous- I understand them fine. If I am in the middle of the ocean, and bleeding, I am going to get eaten by a shark. Anyone who disagrees with this proposition is an imbecile.
Statisticians tell you that the chances of being attacked by a shark are ten times more remote then being hit by lightning. Well, forgive me if I don’t stand atop a high tree with a long shaft of metal during a thunderstorm. These morons don’t realize that you drastically increase the odds of being permanently scarred by wading into the ocean, and exponentially increase it by swimming with them and poking them with a stick.
Idiots. They deserve everything they get. As if any shark possesses the nobility to stand up and protect humans who are being hunted…or did I miss the last press release from the rulers of the undersea world on the desperate situation of the sub-Saharan African people. I am sure if they were asked directly, they would say “Sure, dump them into the sea and we will make them happy.”
I also understand that if I saw a Shark at the corner of Bay and Bloor (insert lawyer joke here) that I would probably also see some homeless guy overpowering it and taking a bite out of his fin. So tell me again why sharks are misunderstood? Sharks are just pissed that we are in their domain, just like you would be pissed if a skunk lived under your house. Not only are they pissed that we are in their domain, but they are always looking for an easy meal. Let me tell you, despite what experts say, sharks are not all that finicky about what they eat. Have you seen some of the stuff they use for chum?
Since we can speak to dolphins, maybe we should ask flipper the truth about sharks- you’ll notice that dolphins don’t hang out with them. Sure, they can protect themselves with their nose, and their speed, but for god’s sake, every time they see a human, dolphins are probably thinking to themselves “I’m glad these odd looking jellyfish are here, because if a shark shows up, I know I can outrun these talkative pieces of bait.”
Actually, I have a better idea; maybe we should alter the frequency and have a conversation with a shark. I suspect he would just be attracted to us and would take a big bite. If he said anything at all, it would probably be something along the lines of ‘Don’t you see I have big teeth? Even Red Riding Hood finally got the idea…’ Then we would be dead.
Absent such a dialogue, the way I have heard the story thus far is that “people” don’t understand that this beautiful creature is just trying to live, and if it wasn’t for human interference, it would be thriving as the top of the oceanic food chain. Well, I’m sorry, I believe in the global biosphere, not geographically isolated and single predator based ecosystem analysis and, to put it even more bluntly, sharks are just meals that most people in the world haven’t gotten around to making recipes for. There are humans who eat bugs for good sake- surely to god if we plopped down a whale shark in Ethiopia the residents would be happy.
Arguably, Sharks are evolution’s finest creation: sleek, soft on the outside, sharp and pointy on the inside. With heightened senses that would make your bloodhound jealous, they roam the sea and like the wolf and the lion, they keep the sea population healthy by killing the weakest members of every species.
Yeah, with one key difference- Unlike wolves who can break their jaw from an errant hoof, sharks heal themselves faster then Canada’s greatest superhero, and can go through as many as 5,000 teeth in a lifespan. Can you imagine how much money the tooth fairy would require to deal with a family of four sharks? The fact that when a shark takes a bite out of me, and leaves a tooth (or six) behind, that replacements immediately crop up is a cause for concern. When I fall down, and break a crown, it takes six weeks to get a bloody appointment.
So, in the realm of the high evolutionary, doesn’t it seem like a good idea to rid ourselves of our competition? Sharks have existed longer then any other species on the planet, and have probably spanned the entire existence of many other species, and for that matter, they probably had a hand in wiping them out. Conspiracy theorists are worried about the dolphin and the Benobo monkey being the evolutionary successor to humans- I hate to point this out, but we have not exactly established ourselves as the dominant species yet, considering we barely control the 1/3rd of the globe we actually inhabit. If there is an evolutionary adversary, it is one that we have yet to supplant, not one that may unseat us.
Unlike the vast majority of troglodytes who thoughtlessly slaughter these majestic beasts (and if I hand the chance I would kill Smaug too, no matter how cool he looked), my apprehension about sharks is not based on myth or misnomer. Outside a few failed marine biologists, I probably know more about sharks then any other layperson on the planet that has never actually seen one. That intelligence gathering is a function of a heightened interest peaked by my own selfish sense of preservation.
We should be happy that the biggest myth about sharks is that they actively hunt and kill for food. This is extremely rare- while they are able to do it; sharks are very smart creatures and resort to work as infrequently as possible. Humans very rarely hunt down their stovetop dinner when one is readily available to them in their grocer’s freezer. Sharks are the same- they are scavengers, and will always eat the dead before going after the living. The ocean’s garbage can if you will. They will scavenge off of whale corpses, those of other sharks, regular floating fish of the non-goldfish variety. In other words, if they can, sharks will take a bite out of anything that looks dead and isn’t swimming away.
If there are no zombie fish around to satiate their endless hunger, sharks are then forced to hunt. But hunt is a very strong word- they usually find a sick or injured animal in their domain and put it out of its misery. That is why humans should feel so afraid of them because there is absolutely nothing natural about the way in which we traverse the water. Based solely on splash patterns, even Mark Spitz would seem to be a horribly wounded porpoise that is travelling really slowly. So here is a tip to anyone swimming in shark invested waters- the front crawl is not your friend. Humans in the water not only look and sound like wounded fish, they look like and sound like a wounded retarded fish.
I also know all the alleged truths about sharks: most notably that they never actively hunt humans. Great, so when it attacks me on my boogie board, it thinks I am a seal. Most shark enthusiasts are quick to point that sharks only attack humans when they mistake humans for their ‘ordinary’ prey.
This is particularly brilliant insight, considering that shark bellies are usually full of tires, license plates, starfish, the original Han Solo carbonite cast model from the Empire Strikes Back, and anything else it can scoop up while it floats adrift. It would seem that based on fairly frequent gastronomical survey’s of sharks who are ‘unfortunately’ killed, that sharks don’t have anything that even resembles “ordinary prey.” Even if you accept this inane idea that sharks have 'ordinary prey,' anything that feeds on something that is as big as I am is a cause for concern. Any one who doubts this proposition is also an imbecile.
Personally, I would just like to have the scientists stop lying to us. First of all, they tell us that there are fewer then 20 reported shark attacks a year. You know what doesn’t get reported- the number of shark fatalities a year. Lost at Sea is a shark fatlity. The only thing that gets reported is the lucky fool who got away, and whose horrible scar is now available on the Internet for all to see, and no doubt he is back in the water in less then a month. Seriously though, whenever someone goes missing, it is because they must have banged their head on the rocks and got pulled out to sea by the undertow.
Under toe is more like it- as in a giant freaking shark took a big bite out of them and decided that this giant white seal was good enough for tonight, and he should finish him off. More importantly, as it will become painfully obvious below, many attacks that do occur are just a part of life. The numbers that we see are based entirely on North America, where an infinitesimal percentage of the attacks occur.
Asia is where most shark attacks happen, and most of them don’t even get reported because a) the reporting mechanism are not really in place and b) its just a fact of life. Well, it’s a fact of life I am glad that I don’t have to deal with on a daily basis. The reality is that there are hundreds of encounters every year, and just because they don’t take a bite out of someone, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to. For comparison’s sake- there were ten times more shark attacks on the US east coast last year (2005) then there was land based carnivore attacks in all of the United States. Misunderstood indeed.
I would also like scientists to tell people that while sharks are not likely to attack an adult, scientists stop there. Maybe the new generation of animal experts should do more then holistically pass over the fact that sharks, even those under a metre in length, will gladly take a run at a child, and if your child is waist deep in water, they are not necessarily safe. Here is a tip- Mr. Turtle until the age of 15.
Finally, in terms of information, I would like scientists to point out just how many sharks there are. This endless pablum about how sharks are endangered must be put to bed quickly, mostly because the videotaped evidence of the existence of sharks is starting to tell people that they are freakin' everywhere. For god’s sakes you can’t watch an episode of ‘caught on videotape’ without at least one, if not two shark encounters. And I’m pretty sure it’s not the same five sharks doing every bit.
Despite humanity’s best attempts to eradicate the panacea of species of sharks, we haven’t even come close. Sharks are everywhere, and are probably more densely populated in some parts of the ocean then humans are in most of North America. They are particularly densely populated around Australia and South Africa- no doubt God’s punishment for cheating in the Olympics and Apartheid respectively.
Population density is increasing in the Philippine sea now that Imelda isn’t having them hunted for shoes, and in the Caribbean where the crystal blue waters are actually quite shallow, and marine life is still relatively unscathed from the excesses of America. I don’t know about you, but 90 miles in a dingy to escape communism is not worth a face to face with a shark that doesn’t much care about Castro’s politics of oppression.
My fear of sharks is based on two things. First, my exposure to the worst part of Richard Dreyfuss’s career at the age of three by my loving sister and our oblivious parents has certainly made me frightened by 50 foot great whites, but in all honesty, anyone who isn’t afraid of a 50 foot great white is just a dolt. That movie really made me afraid of the menacing sound of the stand up bass (pun intended) Oh, did you know that Jaws was based on a true story? Yes, apparently a small inlet town in New Jersey was devastated one weekend by a rash of disappearances, and the townsfolk did the right thing- THEY GOT OUT OF THE WATER AND HUNTED IT DOWN. It wasn’t misunderstood, it was eating people. But that was before prohibition- an amendment the shark world has not yet repealed.
Well, if they weren’t mad at us before, once they find out the royalty figures from Jaws, and realize that they are entitled to a cut, they will be truly irritated.
Secondly, I am scared of things that can sneak up on me and bite my ass. Sure, it might not happen, and the probability is low, but that does not preclude it from ever happening. So why don’t we take the steps to avoid it…Living in Canada is a nice safe first step, living in Central Canada pretty much seals the deal. Or so I thought…
While watching the Discovery Channel, the most important invention in the 1990’s I reckon, I came upon a series of series about sharks, and each program provided me with new alarming facts about these swimming hyenas. Where I was once sure that they remained in salt water, I was informed that many species, but most notably Bull Sharks, are habitually found as far as 4000 kilometres from salt water. This not only got my attention, but as I peered out into my swimming pool, I became more and more worried of chlorine resistant sharks.
Apparently the Bull Shark has been found at the Northern end of the Mississippi, and frequently inhabits many inland lakes in South America. The bastards also apparently live off the corpses that Indian’s throw into the Ganges River. In other words- there are fresh water sharks. Some experts even believe that many attacks that are attributed to alligators and crocodiles are in fact Bull sharks. Great- as if it wasn’t bad enough when the Mississippi was only full of riverboat gamblers and downstream industrial effluent, now there are 12-foot man-eaters in it too. Trust me, they will find sharks yet in Canadian Waters, and since it will be my ass that first discovers them, my ass will have the right to name it.
Misunderstood indeed- they eat things that are put in front of their face, and if you are dumb enough to put your foot in front of their face, that is exactly what they are going to mistake for their ordinary diet. The only misunderstanding that humans have about sharks is that they are nice docile creatures that are just trying to survive. Like all other scavengers, they are hungry and want to eat whatever is on the menu. Personally, I am going to avoid that as much as I can.
What scares me the most is that sharks actually use electricity to find their victuals- much more advanced then a bat’s radar, it borders on telepathy for finding food. Ok, what’s next, the opposable thumb? Their nose and ears are so highly evolved that they know exactly where their target is, which direction it is going, its speed and what shape it is. And yet sharks that attack humans, despite the fact that it can easily ascertain all of this information in a moment, are still mistaking humans for something that it ‘usually’ eats. Bollocks, I say. I think it knows exactly what it is biting into.
But, the absolute topper is the scuba diver who wants to visit a coral reef and watch them in their natural habitat. There are literally thousands of tours arranged each year, where divers can go and track behavioural patterns in sharks. Let me save you a thousand bucks- they swim around and eat, and then go find more food.
The idiots who get into the water and incite a feeding frenzy are doing Darwin’s work for him. Survival of the fittest basically demands that the weak includes the stupid. If you are dumb enough to swim around in a murder of Mako sharks that have caught a whiff of blood, survival is nothing more than a Darwinian anomaly. This group is ever so slightly less intelligent then the “observers” who like to hug the bottom and watch sharks. Let’s hope you have enough air that they are gone by the time you are ready to leave.
By the way, the number one thing that attracts sharks to a scene is the presence of other sharks. Again, I have to ask why is it that other species of animals (like monkeys) don’t jump into the water to observe potential predators…maybe its because they know that when they leave their element, and enter someone else’s, they are at a comparative disadvantage, and are likely to end up being food for someone else. Well, pass me a banana Koko.
Frankly, I have always been a proponent of the kill and replace theory. To look at Darwin’s work a little more closely, any ecosystem will continue to survive as long as the balance between the predators at the top of the food chain and the animals below is maintained. So let’s replace sharks with people! It’s not tough- we kill all the sharks we can, and eat them, and then eat what they would have been eating.
Removing an apex predator is far less damaging to the ecosystem then removing a median member, and frankly, if humans have proved anything, it’s our ability to over harvest the world’s oceans- well, now we have a license to do it. And, that is assuming that Sharks even eat anything that is still in the food chain. Its not like rotten fish are going to start washing up on the shores- whatever dead fish sharks don’t eat will trickle down the food chain to the next in line. If you remove a scavenger, the smaller scavenger will thrive, and I have no problem with barracuda’s…yet. At the end of the day, the only thing that is definitely going to happen is that the number of shark attacks on humans will go down, and the number of really cool sport-fishing trophies will go up.
What I find particularly insightful are the tips for avoiding shark attacks. Step one- get out of the water as soon as possible, a particularly useful tip for the people who are trying to deter shark attacks in the middle of the pacific. Step two- don’t urinate, and if you have to just do it a little bit. That is just patently ridiculous because the human bladder doesn’t work that way- when you gotta go, you gotta go, and you can’t just stop in mid stream. Step three- try to stay in groups, which as far as I am concerned, if you are in the middle of the ocean alone, you deserve whatever you have coming to you. Step four- look like you are prepared to strike back, you may scare the shark. Right, and have you scientifically proven this particular technique? At this point I am actually using my urine as an offensive weapon. Step five, kick it- guage its eyes, and punch its gills. So before when it was just a curious and hungry shark I was in trouble, but infuriating it is the best way to guarantee safety.
Here is my tip to avoiding shark attacks- stay the hell away from them. If your plane goes down in the Indian Ocean, you are fucked, so just try and take as many sharks with you as possible. There is no Batman shark repellent spray so there is no way to avoid the inevitable. If your contact with sharks doesn’t stem from a downed plane, its your own damned fault for being there and imitating its food, so dig in and hope you get lucky.
The names of the sharks are the last area of contention. Have you noticed that there is no “Happy shark” or “Playful shark?” We have named them because they remind us of other things, with the exception of the nurse shark who will send you to one. How ironic is it that the Great White shark eats more white people of the shores of Australia and South Africa then any other national group. And then there is the hammerhead- made most famous by the Star Wars action figure of the same name. He didn’t do anything either, that we saw on screen. But I bet he was the first one to climb on Greedo’s corpse and have a big bite.
His real world equivalent is the only shark that swims in schools, in some cases up to 500 animals are found swimming together. Don’t let his odd looking head fool you, his mouth is just as big as any other shark’s mouth. And despite tall tales to the contrary, you can’t grab either side of his head and poke him in the eyes, nor can you flip over and ride him like a bike. Over the last ten years shark attacks have been increasing in Florida, and few experts are asking why sharks are moving inward. Well, maybe it has something to do with the trawlers that are scrapping the sea of every other life form that sharks mistake for their ordinary source of food, thus forcing them to alter their hunting patterns and come closer to shore.
Maybe if man just stopped eating fish, the sharks would swim back out to sea and leave us alone. The more likely scenario is that man provides sharks with a virtual smorgasbord of trash that they can scavenge from, and is luring them into harbours and inlets. It is a well recorded fact that Blue sharks have been spotted following fishing boats to eat the refuse fish, and that schools of hammerheads follow cruise ships eating the garbage that is illegally cast away underneath the sea.
Idiots. They deserve everything they get. As if any shark possesses the nobility to stand up and protect humans who are being hunted…or did I miss the last press release from the rulers of the undersea world on the desperate situation of the sub-Saharan African people. I am sure if they were asked directly, they would say “Sure, dump them into the sea and we will make them happy.”
I also understand that if I saw a Shark at the corner of Bay and Bloor (insert lawyer joke here) that I would probably also see some homeless guy overpowering it and taking a bite out of his fin. So tell me again why sharks are misunderstood? Sharks are just pissed that we are in their domain, just like you would be pissed if a skunk lived under your house. Not only are they pissed that we are in their domain, but they are always looking for an easy meal. Let me tell you, despite what experts say, sharks are not all that finicky about what they eat. Have you seen some of the stuff they use for chum?
Since we can speak to dolphins, maybe we should ask flipper the truth about sharks- you’ll notice that dolphins don’t hang out with them. Sure, they can protect themselves with their nose, and their speed, but for god’s sake, every time they see a human, dolphins are probably thinking to themselves “I’m glad these odd looking jellyfish are here, because if a shark shows up, I know I can outrun these talkative pieces of bait.”
Actually, I have a better idea; maybe we should alter the frequency and have a conversation with a shark. I suspect he would just be attracted to us and would take a big bite. If he said anything at all, it would probably be something along the lines of ‘Don’t you see I have big teeth? Even Red Riding Hood finally got the idea…’ Then we would be dead.
Absent such a dialogue, the way I have heard the story thus far is that “people” don’t understand that this beautiful creature is just trying to live, and if it wasn’t for human interference, it would be thriving as the top of the oceanic food chain. Well, I’m sorry, I believe in the global biosphere, not geographically isolated and single predator based ecosystem analysis and, to put it even more bluntly, sharks are just meals that most people in the world haven’t gotten around to making recipes for. There are humans who eat bugs for good sake- surely to god if we plopped down a whale shark in Ethiopia the residents would be happy.
Arguably, Sharks are evolution’s finest creation: sleek, soft on the outside, sharp and pointy on the inside. With heightened senses that would make your bloodhound jealous, they roam the sea and like the wolf and the lion, they keep the sea population healthy by killing the weakest members of every species.
Yeah, with one key difference- Unlike wolves who can break their jaw from an errant hoof, sharks heal themselves faster then Canada’s greatest superhero, and can go through as many as 5,000 teeth in a lifespan. Can you imagine how much money the tooth fairy would require to deal with a family of four sharks? The fact that when a shark takes a bite out of me, and leaves a tooth (or six) behind, that replacements immediately crop up is a cause for concern. When I fall down, and break a crown, it takes six weeks to get a bloody appointment.
So, in the realm of the high evolutionary, doesn’t it seem like a good idea to rid ourselves of our competition? Sharks have existed longer then any other species on the planet, and have probably spanned the entire existence of many other species, and for that matter, they probably had a hand in wiping them out. Conspiracy theorists are worried about the dolphin and the Benobo monkey being the evolutionary successor to humans- I hate to point this out, but we have not exactly established ourselves as the dominant species yet, considering we barely control the 1/3rd of the globe we actually inhabit. If there is an evolutionary adversary, it is one that we have yet to supplant, not one that may unseat us.
Unlike the vast majority of troglodytes who thoughtlessly slaughter these majestic beasts (and if I hand the chance I would kill Smaug too, no matter how cool he looked), my apprehension about sharks is not based on myth or misnomer. Outside a few failed marine biologists, I probably know more about sharks then any other layperson on the planet that has never actually seen one. That intelligence gathering is a function of a heightened interest peaked by my own selfish sense of preservation.
We should be happy that the biggest myth about sharks is that they actively hunt and kill for food. This is extremely rare- while they are able to do it; sharks are very smart creatures and resort to work as infrequently as possible. Humans very rarely hunt down their stovetop dinner when one is readily available to them in their grocer’s freezer. Sharks are the same- they are scavengers, and will always eat the dead before going after the living. The ocean’s garbage can if you will. They will scavenge off of whale corpses, those of other sharks, regular floating fish of the non-goldfish variety. In other words, if they can, sharks will take a bite out of anything that looks dead and isn’t swimming away.
If there are no zombie fish around to satiate their endless hunger, sharks are then forced to hunt. But hunt is a very strong word- they usually find a sick or injured animal in their domain and put it out of its misery. That is why humans should feel so afraid of them because there is absolutely nothing natural about the way in which we traverse the water. Based solely on splash patterns, even Mark Spitz would seem to be a horribly wounded porpoise that is travelling really slowly. So here is a tip to anyone swimming in shark invested waters- the front crawl is not your friend. Humans in the water not only look and sound like wounded fish, they look like and sound like a wounded retarded fish.
I also know all the alleged truths about sharks: most notably that they never actively hunt humans. Great, so when it attacks me on my boogie board, it thinks I am a seal. Most shark enthusiasts are quick to point that sharks only attack humans when they mistake humans for their ‘ordinary’ prey.
This is particularly brilliant insight, considering that shark bellies are usually full of tires, license plates, starfish, the original Han Solo carbonite cast model from the Empire Strikes Back, and anything else it can scoop up while it floats adrift. It would seem that based on fairly frequent gastronomical survey’s of sharks who are ‘unfortunately’ killed, that sharks don’t have anything that even resembles “ordinary prey.” Even if you accept this inane idea that sharks have 'ordinary prey,' anything that feeds on something that is as big as I am is a cause for concern. Any one who doubts this proposition is also an imbecile.
Personally, I would just like to have the scientists stop lying to us. First of all, they tell us that there are fewer then 20 reported shark attacks a year. You know what doesn’t get reported- the number of shark fatalities a year. Lost at Sea is a shark fatlity. The only thing that gets reported is the lucky fool who got away, and whose horrible scar is now available on the Internet for all to see, and no doubt he is back in the water in less then a month. Seriously though, whenever someone goes missing, it is because they must have banged their head on the rocks and got pulled out to sea by the undertow.
Under toe is more like it- as in a giant freaking shark took a big bite out of them and decided that this giant white seal was good enough for tonight, and he should finish him off. More importantly, as it will become painfully obvious below, many attacks that do occur are just a part of life. The numbers that we see are based entirely on North America, where an infinitesimal percentage of the attacks occur.
Asia is where most shark attacks happen, and most of them don’t even get reported because a) the reporting mechanism are not really in place and b) its just a fact of life. Well, it’s a fact of life I am glad that I don’t have to deal with on a daily basis. The reality is that there are hundreds of encounters every year, and just because they don’t take a bite out of someone, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to. For comparison’s sake- there were ten times more shark attacks on the US east coast last year (2005) then there was land based carnivore attacks in all of the United States. Misunderstood indeed.
I would also like scientists to tell people that while sharks are not likely to attack an adult, scientists stop there. Maybe the new generation of animal experts should do more then holistically pass over the fact that sharks, even those under a metre in length, will gladly take a run at a child, and if your child is waist deep in water, they are not necessarily safe. Here is a tip- Mr. Turtle until the age of 15.
Finally, in terms of information, I would like scientists to point out just how many sharks there are. This endless pablum about how sharks are endangered must be put to bed quickly, mostly because the videotaped evidence of the existence of sharks is starting to tell people that they are freakin' everywhere. For god’s sakes you can’t watch an episode of ‘caught on videotape’ without at least one, if not two shark encounters. And I’m pretty sure it’s not the same five sharks doing every bit.
Despite humanity’s best attempts to eradicate the panacea of species of sharks, we haven’t even come close. Sharks are everywhere, and are probably more densely populated in some parts of the ocean then humans are in most of North America. They are particularly densely populated around Australia and South Africa- no doubt God’s punishment for cheating in the Olympics and Apartheid respectively.
Population density is increasing in the Philippine sea now that Imelda isn’t having them hunted for shoes, and in the Caribbean where the crystal blue waters are actually quite shallow, and marine life is still relatively unscathed from the excesses of America. I don’t know about you, but 90 miles in a dingy to escape communism is not worth a face to face with a shark that doesn’t much care about Castro’s politics of oppression.
My fear of sharks is based on two things. First, my exposure to the worst part of Richard Dreyfuss’s career at the age of three by my loving sister and our oblivious parents has certainly made me frightened by 50 foot great whites, but in all honesty, anyone who isn’t afraid of a 50 foot great white is just a dolt. That movie really made me afraid of the menacing sound of the stand up bass (pun intended) Oh, did you know that Jaws was based on a true story? Yes, apparently a small inlet town in New Jersey was devastated one weekend by a rash of disappearances, and the townsfolk did the right thing- THEY GOT OUT OF THE WATER AND HUNTED IT DOWN. It wasn’t misunderstood, it was eating people. But that was before prohibition- an amendment the shark world has not yet repealed.
Well, if they weren’t mad at us before, once they find out the royalty figures from Jaws, and realize that they are entitled to a cut, they will be truly irritated.
Secondly, I am scared of things that can sneak up on me and bite my ass. Sure, it might not happen, and the probability is low, but that does not preclude it from ever happening. So why don’t we take the steps to avoid it…Living in Canada is a nice safe first step, living in Central Canada pretty much seals the deal. Or so I thought…
While watching the Discovery Channel, the most important invention in the 1990’s I reckon, I came upon a series of series about sharks, and each program provided me with new alarming facts about these swimming hyenas. Where I was once sure that they remained in salt water, I was informed that many species, but most notably Bull Sharks, are habitually found as far as 4000 kilometres from salt water. This not only got my attention, but as I peered out into my swimming pool, I became more and more worried of chlorine resistant sharks.
Apparently the Bull Shark has been found at the Northern end of the Mississippi, and frequently inhabits many inland lakes in South America. The bastards also apparently live off the corpses that Indian’s throw into the Ganges River. In other words- there are fresh water sharks. Some experts even believe that many attacks that are attributed to alligators and crocodiles are in fact Bull sharks. Great- as if it wasn’t bad enough when the Mississippi was only full of riverboat gamblers and downstream industrial effluent, now there are 12-foot man-eaters in it too. Trust me, they will find sharks yet in Canadian Waters, and since it will be my ass that first discovers them, my ass will have the right to name it.
Misunderstood indeed- they eat things that are put in front of their face, and if you are dumb enough to put your foot in front of their face, that is exactly what they are going to mistake for their ordinary diet. The only misunderstanding that humans have about sharks is that they are nice docile creatures that are just trying to survive. Like all other scavengers, they are hungry and want to eat whatever is on the menu. Personally, I am going to avoid that as much as I can.
What scares me the most is that sharks actually use electricity to find their victuals- much more advanced then a bat’s radar, it borders on telepathy for finding food. Ok, what’s next, the opposable thumb? Their nose and ears are so highly evolved that they know exactly where their target is, which direction it is going, its speed and what shape it is. And yet sharks that attack humans, despite the fact that it can easily ascertain all of this information in a moment, are still mistaking humans for something that it ‘usually’ eats. Bollocks, I say. I think it knows exactly what it is biting into.
But, the absolute topper is the scuba diver who wants to visit a coral reef and watch them in their natural habitat. There are literally thousands of tours arranged each year, where divers can go and track behavioural patterns in sharks. Let me save you a thousand bucks- they swim around and eat, and then go find more food.
The idiots who get into the water and incite a feeding frenzy are doing Darwin’s work for him. Survival of the fittest basically demands that the weak includes the stupid. If you are dumb enough to swim around in a murder of Mako sharks that have caught a whiff of blood, survival is nothing more than a Darwinian anomaly. This group is ever so slightly less intelligent then the “observers” who like to hug the bottom and watch sharks. Let’s hope you have enough air that they are gone by the time you are ready to leave.
By the way, the number one thing that attracts sharks to a scene is the presence of other sharks. Again, I have to ask why is it that other species of animals (like monkeys) don’t jump into the water to observe potential predators…maybe its because they know that when they leave their element, and enter someone else’s, they are at a comparative disadvantage, and are likely to end up being food for someone else. Well, pass me a banana Koko.
Frankly, I have always been a proponent of the kill and replace theory. To look at Darwin’s work a little more closely, any ecosystem will continue to survive as long as the balance between the predators at the top of the food chain and the animals below is maintained. So let’s replace sharks with people! It’s not tough- we kill all the sharks we can, and eat them, and then eat what they would have been eating.
Removing an apex predator is far less damaging to the ecosystem then removing a median member, and frankly, if humans have proved anything, it’s our ability to over harvest the world’s oceans- well, now we have a license to do it. And, that is assuming that Sharks even eat anything that is still in the food chain. Its not like rotten fish are going to start washing up on the shores- whatever dead fish sharks don’t eat will trickle down the food chain to the next in line. If you remove a scavenger, the smaller scavenger will thrive, and I have no problem with barracuda’s…yet. At the end of the day, the only thing that is definitely going to happen is that the number of shark attacks on humans will go down, and the number of really cool sport-fishing trophies will go up.
What I find particularly insightful are the tips for avoiding shark attacks. Step one- get out of the water as soon as possible, a particularly useful tip for the people who are trying to deter shark attacks in the middle of the pacific. Step two- don’t urinate, and if you have to just do it a little bit. That is just patently ridiculous because the human bladder doesn’t work that way- when you gotta go, you gotta go, and you can’t just stop in mid stream. Step three- try to stay in groups, which as far as I am concerned, if you are in the middle of the ocean alone, you deserve whatever you have coming to you. Step four- look like you are prepared to strike back, you may scare the shark. Right, and have you scientifically proven this particular technique? At this point I am actually using my urine as an offensive weapon. Step five, kick it- guage its eyes, and punch its gills. So before when it was just a curious and hungry shark I was in trouble, but infuriating it is the best way to guarantee safety.
Here is my tip to avoiding shark attacks- stay the hell away from them. If your plane goes down in the Indian Ocean, you are fucked, so just try and take as many sharks with you as possible. There is no Batman shark repellent spray so there is no way to avoid the inevitable. If your contact with sharks doesn’t stem from a downed plane, its your own damned fault for being there and imitating its food, so dig in and hope you get lucky.
The names of the sharks are the last area of contention. Have you noticed that there is no “Happy shark” or “Playful shark?” We have named them because they remind us of other things, with the exception of the nurse shark who will send you to one. How ironic is it that the Great White shark eats more white people of the shores of Australia and South Africa then any other national group. And then there is the hammerhead- made most famous by the Star Wars action figure of the same name. He didn’t do anything either, that we saw on screen. But I bet he was the first one to climb on Greedo’s corpse and have a big bite.
His real world equivalent is the only shark that swims in schools, in some cases up to 500 animals are found swimming together. Don’t let his odd looking head fool you, his mouth is just as big as any other shark’s mouth. And despite tall tales to the contrary, you can’t grab either side of his head and poke him in the eyes, nor can you flip over and ride him like a bike. Over the last ten years shark attacks have been increasing in Florida, and few experts are asking why sharks are moving inward. Well, maybe it has something to do with the trawlers that are scrapping the sea of every other life form that sharks mistake for their ordinary source of food, thus forcing them to alter their hunting patterns and come closer to shore.
Maybe if man just stopped eating fish, the sharks would swim back out to sea and leave us alone. The more likely scenario is that man provides sharks with a virtual smorgasbord of trash that they can scavenge from, and is luring them into harbours and inlets. It is a well recorded fact that Blue sharks have been spotted following fishing boats to eat the refuse fish, and that schools of hammerheads follow cruise ships eating the garbage that is illegally cast away underneath the sea.
So why don’t we just take our sewage and nutrients rich effluent and dump it out in the middle of the ocean. For God’s sake, if we can build a pipeline from Alaska to Chicago, surely to god we can build from New York to somewhere 500 miles east- and besides, once we start pumping the trash out to a place where all the sharks can congregate, it’ll be much easier to get them all at once.
posted by Atlas Hugged at
7:10 a.m.
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