Meech and Chong

What happened yesterday?

Quebec is now officially a nation within Canada. I guess unofficially, the PQ is its national party? And, they are, by their own definition, socialist leaning. What does that make them?

Say what you will about the tenets of the PQ, Dude, at least it's an ethos. And I guess that makes sense given the need for more white babies and a stronger work ethic.

A nation. Its first act as a nation? To elect a former gay prostitute turned Roman Catholic Priest to the House of Commons. Representative democracy: lower Canada indeed.

But, its not much better in Upper Canada. The whitest Asian man I have ever met says that he doesn't support any form of Ethnic Nationalism and to that end he has quit Cabinet. He was replaced by the whitest white man I have ever met and not exactly what I would call your prototypical sports minister. Ultimately, as intergovernmental affairs minister, Mr. Chong was either a) not doing his job or b) wasn't being listened to or c) was doing his job, was being listened to, and was ignored entirely.

200 Klicks down the 401 in London a lady who was received a total of 290,000 votes from Londoners in the past has finished third in a by-election. THIRD. I haven't thought about why yet, but I can assure you it wasn't a referendum on the war. Early reports tell me that she didn't campaign very well, or much, and figured that worked for her in the past. The last time she ran for office she went on vacation and still won....Handily.

Though, the second place finisher makes some sense- the heightened profile of the Greens is something that I have explained (and lamented) before- and the fourth place finish by the NDP can't be good news for anyone who isn't a Liberal in Ontario. Good luck in Cape-Breton-Canso Ms. May.

I suppose I should be happy about the result given the fact that a fire-breathing republican was denied a seat in the House, but I can't remember the last time I was this wrong about an election result. This speaks to a general malaise that I have about my chosen profession: even when you make sense and look at something analytically, democracy can make you look dumb. I am sure that I will get between 40-60 "I told you so" emails today saying that the Liberals held that seat for...blah blah blah.

Also, it reminds me that when your profession is the analysis of something that every person has a constitutional right to participate in, they think their views are as valid as yours. They never say anything when you are right, though.

Never-endum - The Reach for Meech by a leech

I thought this was a semantic debate?

By 1990, Stephen Harper had left the Conservative Party to work for the first elected Reform MP, Deb Grey (R - Trailblazer, CA - Leader of the Opposition, DRC - Day Sucks)

There is academic debate about why the Reform Party was formed, but I have always been of the view that but for the Charlottetown Accord, they would have never taken off. When you get federal funds under the Referendum Act to yell "NO" at the top of your lungs for two months, people notice you. My one line view of the birth of the Reform Party is "Stop pandering to Quebec, Dear Leader." I know it was more than that, but I think we can all agree that antagonism to the favouritism shown towards Quebec was a key part of it.

In the middle of Charlottetown was the notion of a distinct society, and whether or not Quebec constituted a distinct society within Canada. Harper opposed it then, and he obviously opposed it in 1996 when he voted against it in the House of Commons. FYI- the federal NDP and the Liberals supported Charlottetown, so their position remains consistent. As did then Premier of Ontario, Bob Rae (L - I was actually at the table Iggy)

Fast forward a decade. By tautological implication, a nation within a nation would have to be a distinct society of some kind, would it not?

Very much unlike enshrining a distinct society clause into the constitution, the legal effect of the government's motion before the House of Commons is not nearly as profound. Yes, it could be adduced as evidence of the "Intent of Parliament" in the future. Yes, it could be seen as a development that alters the original succession reference decision. So what- by that point in time the tanks would already be in the streets and the Hague would be full of Lawyers. If it ever got to that point, the battle would be lost.

You know what it does do? It bumped actual government work off the agenda, though admittedly to my advantage. The House was supposed to be debating the Clean Air Act today- ironic that in muddying the water on the "Frabric" of Canada, the government's own agenda to "clear the air" is put off.

Ultimately, it forces people to talk about an issue which was resting nicely in abeyance while the government worked on issues that actually matter to ordinary Canadians. The government says that this will be finished by next week. Dream On. This is only the first step, and like just like 1987-1992, it will entirely dominate the government until it is done to the satisfaction of the political "nations" that demanded the attention.

I like to say things like "Will defining Quebec as a nation help the poorest people of Quebec?" Can its poor eat their nationhood? Let's all remember that outside of the corridor, rural Quebec is probably just as poor, if not poorer, than every other impoverished area in the country. Do they even care if the federal government calls them a nation? If this symbolism is what they think is the most important, I will never understand.

As with Mulroney, Mr. Harper will find out very quickly that it is impossible to satisfy, let alone mollify, everyone simultaneously on this issue. I hope it rips his party apart the same way it ripped apart the party he left to form the party that formed half of his current party. Remember what happened the last time?

I can't wait for it to happen again and it will sting twice as much knowing that Harper is from the absolute eye of the Alberta storm. You know who else got money under the Referendum Act?

Surprised?

750 of my closest friends

Last night I had the good fortune of attending at the Trillium Dinner in Ottawa. There was lots of glad-handing and back-slapping- and the best steak you can expect to have when they are cooked 1000 plates at a time.

For the low low price of well above and beyond the federal campaign contribution limits for corporations, I had the chance to mix and hob-knob with the Ontario Cabinet, the Premier, and 750 lobbyists who wish they could make corporate contributions to the federal Liberal party.

This is event was proof positive that the only effect that the most recent changes to the federal election contribution limit by Prime Minister Chretien (L - Come back- please, come baaaaaack)did nothing but fill the coffers of the Ontario liberal party, and if the changes proposed by the Conservative FAAtwa on Ottawa (I can come up with a clever pun every week for this, I am sure) come to fruition, it will be even better for the Ontario Liberals. I am sure that even John Tory (C - I wanna be the Mayor) wants a piece.

So much so that the Quebec Liberals are hosting an event in Hull very soon. Expect the same crowd.

Legislating while Impaired

Tories never cease to amaze me with their inability to understand the laws that are already on the books.

Yesterday the Minister of Justice (C- So, Con?) introduced measures to provide for certainty when dealing with individuals who have been stopped while impaired by drugs. The speeches from the Government side heralded the clear vision, blah blah blah.

Obviously, they were paying attention in 1985 when their OWN PARTY amended the Criminal Code to read:

253. Every one commits an offence who operates a motor vehicle or vessel or operates or assists in the operation of an aircraft or of railway equipment or has the care or control of a motor vehicle, vessel, aircraft or railway equipment, whether it is in motion or not,
(a) while the persons ability to operate the vehicle, vessel, aircraft or railway equipment is impaired by alcohol or a drug;

If that section wasn't good enough, maybe they should have read the "catch-all" section, which reads:

249. (1) Every one commits an offence who operates
(a) a motor vehicle in a manner that is dangerous to the public

The Act goes on to state that anyone who commits said offence and kills another person can get fourteen years in the big house.

What the Tories did was explicitly spell out all of the powers and authorities that "Peace Officers" have in obtaining evidence, and put an onerous reverse onus (ORO) on individuals found to be under the influence. In other words, after you have already been found in violation of the Act for something that was already illegal, now you have to prove that you are innocent of a second deemed offence. The government has managed to violate the constitution in order to protect the public, the same public which was already adequately protected by the existing, yet constitutionally permissible, statute. At least one lawyer is going to make a killing because of this statute.

This is the second time the Tories have re-introduced existing law - the first was when they made it illegal to use illegal guns. Bravo.

So, any plans on introducing legislation that will have a positive effect any time soon?

Green Plan Three - Save the eNvy-DP

Without any fanfare, and without any coverage, the NDP announced how it would propose to amend the Clean Air Act at committee stage to make it "acceptable."

Amendment is not the correct description of the NDP proposal. The correct description is complete overhaul. It changes everything, right down to the title.

The NDP has to know that their proposals will not be accepted by anyone, let alone the government- but pundits have been baffled of late by the ENVY-DP.

There is no surprise to me. In early October I saw a poll of 4,900 Ontarians (big sample, I know) that intimately detailed the voting patterns of them. 72 percent of Ontarians were split almost down the line on Liberal v. Tory- Same old story. 13 percent were undecided. 15 percent, were split between the Greens and the NDP, with the NDP at around 9. This is a significant step down from their election result but not surprising given the increased profile of the Greens in the past couple months.

The poll also asked "would you be willing to switch your vote to the Green Party?" Of the 30% who said yes, all nine percent of the NDP's primary supporters said they would consider the switch. It will come as no surprise given recent media coverage that many of the rest were from the Liberals, but that doesn't affect them nearly as much as the NDP who would theoretically be able to draw from the Liberals. It would appear soft Liberal support is now going to skip a level, so to speak.

Throw Bob Rae (L - OC, OO, LLD) into that little puzzle, and one wonders if the NDP will ever get another vote in Ontario. Say what you will about Bingo Bob, but for every vote the Liberals have already lost to the Tories in 2006, they would probably pick up as many from the NDP if he won. I am skeptical that the Liberals would lose a single vote because of his former Premiership because, to be blunt, they have already lost some of the most "Liberal" ridings in the province (Orleans, Prescott, Parkdale) and I don't know how their vote count could possilby go down.

Regardless, don't be surprised if Jack Layton has his entire caucus riding their bike to work this week.

Turn now to the November 27th By-election in London where Diane Haskett (C-Adam and Eve not Saddam and Satan) is expected to win fairly easily. Personally, I think that Elizabeth May has done herself a huge disservice by running in this by-election knowing that she doesn't have a chance because in London North Centre, the Environment is not as important as manufacturing competitiveness. In fact, the two issues are often perceived to be at odds.

Mr. Layton, however, is doing his best to squeeze her out. Unlike Ms. May, he has a formal question in QP every day and he has used 83% of them since Parliament resumed in September to question the government on Environmental issues. He is trying to out green her, and he is doing it to remain relevant. There isn't room for another third party in Canadian politics right now and few of the wackoes on the fringes are interested in the NDP anymore.

L'invasion des Barbes

For the record, the only species that has remained silent on Climate Change is the one that realizes that once the world is covered in water, they will be able to eat us indiscriminately. See my last post for details.

Vive le Kyoto Libre

So, is it a French GHG emission when the Germans burn Paris to the ground? And shouldn't Canada at least a partial carbon credit for stopping it?

I find it very rich that FRANCE is criticizing CANADA for its inability to come up with a plan to meet its Kyoto targets. France- the industrialized nation that is the closest in relations to the Arab states is criticizing Canada for not doing anything about GHG emissions? I must have missed the press release (pun intended) about how the House of Saud is doing its part to curb emissions.

The problem isn't really about GHGs, it is about what diplomats can say about domestic problems in other countries. Sometimes isolationism isn't all that bad of an idea if for no other reason that I don't have to listen to the drivel from people who don't know any better.

You have to have a position on the State of Israel's ability to protect itself, but can't do anything about it. You have to comment on genocide, as long as it isn't in Africa. You can't call a moron a moron, even know everyone knows it is true. When a disaster happens, you have to be the first ones there to help - but don't for a second suggest how a small investment in BASIC infrastructure could have saved thousands of lives and billions of dollars - that would be patronizing.

Finally, you have to denounce China. The correct response to Mr. Harper's and little Jason's latest round of idiocy is to say "The People's Republic of China openly mocks the way Canada supports its secessionist movements by providing them public funding and standing in elections. Canada must treat them like they treat their Natives."

And you certainly have to have a position on the war in Iraq, but god knows you don't have to have a solution.

Ug- International Relations- its like high school for stupid people.

Moving back to climate change, we have now heard about this solution to stop the Machines from getting their solar power. What is the Matrix?

Why are all officials such retards when it comes to this issue?

Darwin vs. YOU, Redux

Idiocy abounds

I renew my call for the specie-cide (I invented this word) of sharks now that they have directly threatened a Canadian. Given what we now know about the world fish supply, the time to act is now.

Many people wish to reverse Darwin’s fateful slither, and many of my friends consider themselves members of an increasingly large group of lunatics who think it is a perfectly fine activity to jump into the water with a pork chop tied around their neck and pet large predatory animals.

For whatever reason, people who take the greatest of care not to attract bears or wolves in the wild (where they can at least run away or climb a tree) will gladly submerge themselves into the open underwater spaces to toy with an equally, if not more so, dangerous large carnivore. Well, these underwater safari’s are just more proof of what I have believed all along- the curiosity of humans is the Darwinian characteristic that will ultimately do us in- you don’t see monkey’s having a closer look at something that can take a big bite out of them, do you!

Now if I was to tell you that there was a human being who preyed on the injured, initially survived on in utero cannibalism only to evolve to eat his own young at every opportunity, provided the young of no other species were around, what would we do to this person? Further, if I told you this ghastly beast could smell blood at two miles, and intentionally injured people just so he could return later to finish them off- who wouldn’t tell me that we should do everything in our power to arrest this maniac before he hurts us or our children. But if I told you it was a shark, the World Wildlife Fund, Steve Irwin's replacement and the Friends Of Ocean Living Sharks (F.O.O.L.S.) would be screaming that we protect it and worship the important role they play in the oceanic eco-system.

Apparently, according these kind thoughtful people, sharks are just really misunderstood. Well, that’s ridiculous- I understand them fine. If I am in the middle of the ocean, and bleeding, I am going to get eaten by a shark. Anyone who disagrees with this proposition is an imbecile.

Statisticians tell you that the chances of being attacked by a shark are ten times more remote then being hit by lightning. Well, forgive me if I don’t stand atop a high tree with a long shaft of metal during a thunderstorm. These morons don’t realize that you drastically increase the odds of being permanently scarred by wading into the ocean, and exponentially increase it by swimming with them and poking them with a stick.

Idiots. They deserve everything they get. As if any shark possesses the nobility to stand up and protect humans who are being hunted…or did I miss the last press release from the rulers of the undersea world on the desperate situation of the sub-Saharan African people. I am sure if they were asked directly, they would say “Sure, dump them into the sea and we will make them happy.”

I also understand that if I saw a Shark at the corner of Bay and Bloor (insert lawyer joke here) that I would probably also see some homeless guy overpowering it and taking a bite out of his fin. So tell me again why sharks are misunderstood? Sharks are just pissed that we are in their domain, just like you would be pissed if a skunk lived under your house. Not only are they pissed that we are in their domain, but they are always looking for an easy meal. Let me tell you, despite what experts say, sharks are not all that finicky about what they eat. Have you seen some of the stuff they use for chum?

Since we can speak to dolphins, maybe we should ask flipper the truth about sharks- you’ll notice that dolphins don’t hang out with them. Sure, they can protect themselves with their nose, and their speed, but for god’s sake, every time they see a human, dolphins are probably thinking to themselves “I’m glad these odd looking jellyfish are here, because if a shark shows up, I know I can outrun these talkative pieces of bait.”

Actually, I have a better idea; maybe we should alter the frequency and have a conversation with a shark. I suspect he would just be attracted to us and would take a big bite. If he said anything at all, it would probably be something along the lines of ‘Don’t you see I have big teeth? Even Red Riding Hood finally got the idea…’ Then we would be dead.

Absent such a dialogue, the way I have heard the story thus far is that “people” don’t understand that this beautiful creature is just trying to live, and if it wasn’t for human interference, it would be thriving as the top of the oceanic food chain. Well, I’m sorry, I believe in the global biosphere, not geographically isolated and single predator based ecosystem analysis and, to put it even more bluntly, sharks are just meals that most people in the world haven’t gotten around to making recipes for. There are humans who eat bugs for good sake- surely to god if we plopped down a whale shark in Ethiopia the residents would be happy.

Arguably, Sharks are evolution’s finest creation: sleek, soft on the outside, sharp and pointy on the inside. With heightened senses that would make your bloodhound jealous, they roam the sea and like the wolf and the lion, they keep the sea population healthy by killing the weakest members of every species.

Yeah, with one key difference- Unlike wolves who can break their jaw from an errant hoof, sharks heal themselves faster then Canada’s greatest superhero, and can go through as many as 5,000 teeth in a lifespan. Can you imagine how much money the tooth fairy would require to deal with a family of four sharks? The fact that when a shark takes a bite out of me, and leaves a tooth (or six) behind, that replacements immediately crop up is a cause for concern. When I fall down, and break a crown, it takes six weeks to get a bloody appointment.

So, in the realm of the high evolutionary, doesn’t it seem like a good idea to rid ourselves of our competition? Sharks have existed longer then any other species on the planet, and have probably spanned the entire existence of many other species, and for that matter, they probably had a hand in wiping them out. Conspiracy theorists are worried about the dolphin and the Benobo monkey being the evolutionary successor to humans- I hate to point this out, but we have not exactly established ourselves as the dominant species yet, considering we barely control the 1/3rd of the globe we actually inhabit. If there is an evolutionary adversary, it is one that we have yet to supplant, not one that may unseat us.

Unlike the vast majority of troglodytes who thoughtlessly slaughter these majestic beasts (and if I hand the chance I would kill Smaug too, no matter how cool he looked), my apprehension about sharks is not based on myth or misnomer. Outside a few failed marine biologists, I probably know more about sharks then any other layperson on the planet that has never actually seen one. That intelligence gathering is a function of a heightened interest peaked by my own selfish sense of preservation.

We should be happy that the biggest myth about sharks is that they actively hunt and kill for food. This is extremely rare- while they are able to do it; sharks are very smart creatures and resort to work as infrequently as possible. Humans very rarely hunt down their stovetop dinner when one is readily available to them in their grocer’s freezer. Sharks are the same- they are scavengers, and will always eat the dead before going after the living. The ocean’s garbage can if you will. They will scavenge off of whale corpses, those of other sharks, regular floating fish of the non-goldfish variety. In other words, if they can, sharks will take a bite out of anything that looks dead and isn’t swimming away.

If there are no zombie fish around to satiate their endless hunger, sharks are then forced to hunt. But hunt is a very strong word- they usually find a sick or injured animal in their domain and put it out of its misery. That is why humans should feel so afraid of them because there is absolutely nothing natural about the way in which we traverse the water. Based solely on splash patterns, even Mark Spitz would seem to be a horribly wounded porpoise that is travelling really slowly. So here is a tip to anyone swimming in shark invested waters- the front crawl is not your friend. Humans in the water not only look and sound like wounded fish, they look like and sound like a wounded retarded fish.

I also know all the alleged truths about sharks: most notably that they never actively hunt humans. Great, so when it attacks me on my boogie board, it thinks I am a seal. Most shark enthusiasts are quick to point that sharks only attack humans when they mistake humans for their ‘ordinary’ prey.

This is particularly brilliant insight, considering that shark bellies are usually full of tires, license plates, starfish, the original Han Solo carbonite cast model from the Empire Strikes Back, and anything else it can scoop up while it floats adrift. It would seem that based on fairly frequent gastronomical survey’s of sharks who are ‘unfortunately’ killed, that sharks don’t have anything that even resembles “ordinary prey.” Even if you accept this inane idea that sharks have 'ordinary prey,' anything that feeds on something that is as big as I am is a cause for concern. Any one who doubts this proposition is also an imbecile.

Personally, I would just like to have the scientists stop lying to us. First of all, they tell us that there are fewer then 20 reported shark attacks a year. You know what doesn’t get reported- the number of shark fatalities a year. Lost at Sea is a shark fatlity. The only thing that gets reported is the lucky fool who got away, and whose horrible scar is now available on the Internet for all to see, and no doubt he is back in the water in less then a month. Seriously though, whenever someone goes missing, it is because they must have banged their head on the rocks and got pulled out to sea by the undertow.

Under toe is more like it- as in a giant freaking shark took a big bite out of them and decided that this giant white seal was good enough for tonight, and he should finish him off. More importantly, as it will become painfully obvious below, many attacks that do occur are just a part of life. The numbers that we see are based entirely on North America, where an infinitesimal percentage of the attacks occur.

Asia is where most shark attacks happen, and most of them don’t even get reported because a) the reporting mechanism are not really in place and b) its just a fact of life. Well, it’s a fact of life I am glad that I don’t have to deal with on a daily basis. The reality is that there are hundreds of encounters every year, and just because they don’t take a bite out of someone, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to. For comparison’s sake- there were ten times more shark attacks on the US east coast last year (2005) then there was land based carnivore attacks in all of the United States. Misunderstood indeed.

I would also like scientists to tell people that while sharks are not likely to attack an adult, scientists stop there. Maybe the new generation of animal experts should do more then holistically pass over the fact that sharks, even those under a metre in length, will gladly take a run at a child, and if your child is waist deep in water, they are not necessarily safe. Here is a tip- Mr. Turtle until the age of 15.

Finally, in terms of information, I would like scientists to point out just how many sharks there are. This endless pablum about how sharks are endangered must be put to bed quickly, mostly because the videotaped evidence of the existence of sharks is starting to tell people that they are freakin' everywhere. For god’s sakes you can’t watch an episode of ‘caught on videotape’ without at least one, if not two shark encounters. And I’m pretty sure it’s not the same five sharks doing every bit.

Despite humanity’s best attempts to eradicate the panacea of species of sharks, we haven’t even come close. Sharks are everywhere, and are probably more densely populated in some parts of the ocean then humans are in most of North America. They are particularly densely populated around Australia and South Africa- no doubt God’s punishment for cheating in the Olympics and Apartheid respectively.

Population density is increasing in the Philippine sea now that Imelda isn’t having them hunted for shoes, and in the Caribbean where the crystal blue waters are actually quite shallow, and marine life is still relatively unscathed from the excesses of America. I don’t know about you, but 90 miles in a dingy to escape communism is not worth a face to face with a shark that doesn’t much care about Castro’s politics of oppression.

My fear of sharks is based on two things. First, my exposure to the worst part of Richard Dreyfuss’s career at the age of three by my loving sister and our oblivious parents has certainly made me frightened by 50 foot great whites, but in all honesty, anyone who isn’t afraid of a 50 foot great white is just a dolt. That movie really made me afraid of the menacing sound of the stand up bass (pun intended) Oh, did you know that Jaws was based on a true story? Yes, apparently a small inlet town in New Jersey was devastated one weekend by a rash of disappearances, and the townsfolk did the right thing- THEY GOT OUT OF THE WATER AND HUNTED IT DOWN. It wasn’t misunderstood, it was eating people. But that was before prohibition- an amendment the shark world has not yet repealed.

Well, if they weren’t mad at us before, once they find out the royalty figures from Jaws, and realize that they are entitled to a cut, they will be truly irritated.

Secondly, I am scared of things that can sneak up on me and bite my ass. Sure, it might not happen, and the probability is low, but that does not preclude it from ever happening. So why don’t we take the steps to avoid it…Living in Canada is a nice safe first step, living in Central Canada pretty much seals the deal. Or so I thought…

While watching the Discovery Channel, the most important invention in the 1990’s I reckon, I came upon a series of series about sharks, and each program provided me with new alarming facts about these swimming hyenas. Where I was once sure that they remained in salt water, I was informed that many species, but most notably Bull Sharks, are habitually found as far as 4000 kilometres from salt water. This not only got my attention, but as I peered out into my swimming pool, I became more and more worried of chlorine resistant sharks.

Apparently the Bull Shark has been found at the Northern end of the Mississippi, and frequently inhabits many inland lakes in South America. The bastards also apparently live off the corpses that Indian’s throw into the Ganges River. In other words- there are fresh water sharks. Some experts even believe that many attacks that are attributed to alligators and crocodiles are in fact Bull sharks. Great- as if it wasn’t bad enough when the Mississippi was only full of riverboat gamblers and downstream industrial effluent, now there are 12-foot man-eaters in it too. Trust me, they will find sharks yet in Canadian Waters, and since it will be my ass that first discovers them, my ass will have the right to name it.

Misunderstood indeed- they eat things that are put in front of their face, and if you are dumb enough to put your foot in front of their face, that is exactly what they are going to mistake for their ordinary diet. The only misunderstanding that humans have about sharks is that they are nice docile creatures that are just trying to survive. Like all other scavengers, they are hungry and want to eat whatever is on the menu. Personally, I am going to avoid that as much as I can.

What scares me the most is that sharks actually use electricity to find their victuals- much more advanced then a bat’s radar, it borders on telepathy for finding food. Ok, what’s next, the opposable thumb? Their nose and ears are so highly evolved that they know exactly where their target is, which direction it is going, its speed and what shape it is. And yet sharks that attack humans, despite the fact that it can easily ascertain all of this information in a moment, are still mistaking humans for something that it ‘usually’ eats. Bollocks, I say. I think it knows exactly what it is biting into.

But, the absolute topper is the scuba diver who wants to visit a coral reef and watch them in their natural habitat. There are literally thousands of tours arranged each year, where divers can go and track behavioural patterns in sharks. Let me save you a thousand bucks- they swim around and eat, and then go find more food.

The idiots who get into the water and incite a feeding frenzy are doing Darwin’s work for him. Survival of the fittest basically demands that the weak includes the stupid. If you are dumb enough to swim around in a murder of Mako sharks that have caught a whiff of blood, survival is nothing more than a Darwinian anomaly. This group is ever so slightly less intelligent then the “observers” who like to hug the bottom and watch sharks. Let’s hope you have enough air that they are gone by the time you are ready to leave.

By the way, the number one thing that attracts sharks to a scene is the presence of other sharks. Again, I have to ask why is it that other species of animals (like monkeys) don’t jump into the water to observe potential predators…maybe its because they know that when they leave their element, and enter someone else’s, they are at a comparative disadvantage, and are likely to end up being food for someone else. Well, pass me a banana Koko.

Frankly, I have always been a proponent of the kill and replace theory. To look at Darwin’s work a little more closely, any ecosystem will continue to survive as long as the balance between the predators at the top of the food chain and the animals below is maintained. So let’s replace sharks with people! It’s not tough- we kill all the sharks we can, and eat them, and then eat what they would have been eating.

Removing an apex predator is far less damaging to the ecosystem then removing a median member, and frankly, if humans have proved anything, it’s our ability to over harvest the world’s oceans- well, now we have a license to do it. And, that is assuming that Sharks even eat anything that is still in the food chain. Its not like rotten fish are going to start washing up on the shores- whatever dead fish sharks don’t eat will trickle down the food chain to the next in line. If you remove a scavenger, the smaller scavenger will thrive, and I have no problem with barracuda’s…yet. At the end of the day, the only thing that is definitely going to happen is that the number of shark attacks on humans will go down, and the number of really cool sport-fishing trophies will go up.

What I find particularly insightful are the tips for avoiding shark attacks. Step one- get out of the water as soon as possible, a particularly useful tip for the people who are trying to deter shark attacks in the middle of the pacific. Step two- don’t urinate, and if you have to just do it a little bit. That is just patently ridiculous because the human bladder doesn’t work that way- when you gotta go, you gotta go, and you can’t just stop in mid stream. Step three- try to stay in groups, which as far as I am concerned, if you are in the middle of the ocean alone, you deserve whatever you have coming to you. Step four- look like you are prepared to strike back, you may scare the shark. Right, and have you scientifically proven this particular technique? At this point I am actually using my urine as an offensive weapon. Step five, kick it- guage its eyes, and punch its gills. So before when it was just a curious and hungry shark I was in trouble, but infuriating it is the best way to guarantee safety.

Here is my tip to avoiding shark attacks- stay the hell away from them. If your plane goes down in the Indian Ocean, you are fucked, so just try and take as many sharks with you as possible. There is no Batman shark repellent spray so there is no way to avoid the inevitable. If your contact with sharks doesn’t stem from a downed plane, its your own damned fault for being there and imitating its food, so dig in and hope you get lucky.

The names of the sharks are the last area of contention. Have you noticed that there is no “Happy shark” or “Playful shark?” We have named them because they remind us of other things, with the exception of the nurse shark who will send you to one. How ironic is it that the Great White shark eats more white people of the shores of Australia and South Africa then any other national group. And then there is the hammerhead- made most famous by the Star Wars action figure of the same name. He didn’t do anything either, that we saw on screen. But I bet he was the first one to climb on Greedo’s corpse and have a big bite.

His real world equivalent is the only shark that swims in schools, in some cases up to 500 animals are found swimming together. Don’t let his odd looking head fool you, his mouth is just as big as any other shark’s mouth. And despite tall tales to the contrary, you can’t grab either side of his head and poke him in the eyes, nor can you flip over and ride him like a bike. Over the last ten years shark attacks have been increasing in Florida, and few experts are asking why sharks are moving inward. Well, maybe it has something to do with the trawlers that are scrapping the sea of every other life form that sharks mistake for their ordinary source of food, thus forcing them to alter their hunting patterns and come closer to shore.

Maybe if man just stopped eating fish, the sharks would swim back out to sea and leave us alone. The more likely scenario is that man provides sharks with a virtual smorgasbord of trash that they can scavenge from, and is luring them into harbours and inlets. It is a well recorded fact that Blue sharks have been spotted following fishing boats to eat the refuse fish, and that schools of hammerheads follow cruise ships eating the garbage that is illegally cast away underneath the sea.

So why don’t we just take our sewage and nutrients rich effluent and dump it out in the middle of the ocean. For God’s sake, if we can build a pipeline from Alaska to Chicago, surely to god we can build from New York to somewhere 500 miles east- and besides, once we start pumping the trash out to a place where all the sharks can congregate, it’ll be much easier to get them all at once.

Poppy v. Poppy

Am I the only person who finds it particularly bizarre that we wear poppies to remember the sacrifice that our veterans have made for our freedoms while our troops are directly involved in a conflict where the illicit traffic of poppies is a serious conern?

Stand up and be Herd

I was sitting in my office yesterday evening and I watched with escalating rage as the House of Commons voted on four pieces of Private members legislation. I know, I need to get out more, but in my defence, I was working. I didn't care about the legislation, though on paper, at least one of them seemed like a good idea.

This may come come as a shock, but all of the votes were cast straight down party lines.

In turn, each MP stood up to hear their name read as being either for or against the legislation. At least three times, I watched as MPs mistakenly stood up - either to vote when they weren't supposed to, only to be pulled down by the colleague who was paying attention, or to vote twice on the same bill, both for and against it.

When all was said and done, four pieces of legislation were defeated, and every MP in the House heard their name read four times. This took over 95 minutes. Almost all of Cabinet was present. The rules of the house state that members must be present in order to cast their votes and can only cast them when they are called.

This is a stupid rule. I think MPs should be able to vote on bills remotely, by "votey card" or, perish the thought, allow for the party representatives who already tell them which way to vote to actually cast the votes for them.

I will carve out exactly two exceptions 1) confidence motions and 2) the throne speech. If we are going to have pomp and circumstance, then fine. But for the love of Christ (D - Montana), can we get on with the business of the nation the other 363 days of the year?

I understand accountability. I understand that most Canadians can look at a voting record on paper, which in the Canadian context would be a written representation of when any MP in question opted to do calisthetics in the House. Exactly zero Canadians whose vote is actually up for grabs will tevo every vote in the House to hold their MP accountable.

At least twice in the past two years, votes the continued status of House of Commons has hinged directly on the health of its members. If I can transfer 100 million dollars electronically, I am sure the Speaker can devise a pass code that would have allowed Chuck Cadman (R - Revenge, CA - screwed, I - Hero) to stay in bed to vote. How about a pass word like "Hey Peter, Its Chuck - Mongoose. Nay."

Traditionalists would say "well, the party leaders do exchanges..." Bah, Flim-shaw. Any breaths wasted to say "I will trade you one Cancer for two diplomatic missions" is simply ridiculous.

But even if we have perfect attendance, and we have 307 replicants standing when their party leaders tell them to, surely to god we can get them to push a button to register their decision. They use this system in all kinds of developed places around the world, like America and Sri Lanka.

There are lots of good reasons to modernize the voting process- but let me give you a practical one- assuming perfect attendance, there was 29,165 minutes of time spent (307 x 95 - the speaker does not vote) by all of the MPs and Cabinet Ministers.

I would guess that if MPs were allowed to use electronic voting cards, black marble in the white bucket, or any other instantaneous system the absolute maximum it would take is five minutes per MP, and then they could go and do something else with the other 90 minutes of their lives otherwise wasted sitting around waiting to hear their name called. Maybe not so important for the MP from Halton (I - MPTV) , but the MP from Calgary South-West (C - Handshakes) could probably use the time to see his kids or come up with a workable Climate Change plan.

But, forget about the time- let's think about the money. The one time expense of the "votey card" system would be paid for in about six minutes of voting in terms of support, staff, clerks, electricity, food, lighting, hair gel and pages passing notes between them.

Or, we can just have the house debate the issues for all that extra time rather than spending 29,000 plus minutes deciding that which is already pre-determined.

A Cold November Reign

On the eve of the 2006 Congressional elections, George W. Bush is patiently waiting for the results so that he can strategize for his own re-election campaign.

Seriously, no other part of the constitution seems to apply to his administration, so why should he worry about the 22nd amendment.

On Tuesday, the world may in fact change. I am not going to say "the Democrats are going to win," because I know better. There are just far too many variables that are beyond the polls. I do want to put a few things on the record before a whack of talking heads steal my ideas over time and space.

The problem with polls. In America, voter turnout has been on the decline steadily since the 1960s. It is particularly poor in the "off years" where there is no ballot being cast for President. I would guess that voter turnout will be about 40%, and we all know that the people who traditionally cast votes are older, more affluent, and white. I think anyone can answer the phone and say they are voting Democrat, but that doesn't make it so. That said, this election is also being cast by Democrats as a referendum on the President so maybe the turnout will be higher.

The Myth of Incumbency. It has been said that incumbency re-election for the United States Congress is upwards of 98 percent. While this is technically true, what they don't tell you is that the people who aren't going to win again don't run again. Of the 39 seats that are withing the margin during this election, 20 of them are without incumbents.

Nobody wants to win. The Democrats don't want to win control of the House, because doing so makes them govern. They would rather wait until 2008 and take both the House and the White House. If they do win, they have to actually do something rather then complain about how bad this administration is. Conversely, the Republicans need a new target- and an inexperienced Speaker is the best target, second only to an investigative Congress that wastes time going over what has already happened to get it on the record before 2008 rather than introducing new ideas. Oh, the power of subpoena - it is an addiction. Republicans will quickly blame democrats for not getting anything done, and it will work the exact same way it has for the past 85 years.

Clinton doesn't want Pelosi as speaker. Nancy Pelosi (D - California) is a place card holder and she certainly isn't Tip O'Neill. She won the job of Minority House leader when nobody else wanted it. If the Democrats take control of the House, Nancy Pelosi will be the speaker, and to that end, the first woman elected to any constitutionally recognized role in the US Government. This was supposed to be Hillary Clinton's (D - Chicago, Washington, Little Rock, and NYC) great legacy. More importantly, Pelosi is a successful female politician who has done so despite sounding really, well, bitchy. There is a real concern that having her in the spotlight for the next two years will adversely affect Hillary's prospect for success because the U.S. public doesn't like to be scolded. Sexist, maybe, but Trent Lott (R - Cracker) is the first Senator from Mississippi.

None of this is to say that a Democratic controlled congress is a bad thing. Anything to put some oars in the water to stop the insanity. This is to say that even the most ardent Democrats are getting sick of the partisan nature of Congressional politics. Hopefully the class of 2006 will do better.

Ignatieff-abet Soup

Critics of the candidate from Harvard have long lamented that he is out of touch with Canada because he has spent the better part of the last three decades not here. Normally, I didn't care, until I came face to face with explicit evidence of his lack of contact with Canada's neighborhood norms. Yes, that was on purpose.

Hello, and thank you for calling the Michael Ignatieff Campaign. Pour le Service en Francais, faites le 1.

For a campaign Directory, please press the pound key.

Welcome to the Directory. Please enter the first three letters of your party's last name using your touchtone keypad. Use the 7 key for Q and the 9 key for Zee.

ZEE? ZEEEEEE!!! Invasion des Barbares!

Having spent almost a month correcting my niece while singing the alphabet song (it doesn't rhyme with Zed) I am deeply saddened by a man who wants to be my Prime Minister making such a serious cultural error. The impact this will have in Quebec is also serious, where double-v, ix, e-greque (not a website for sickos!) and Zed are an important part of the nations language.

I am aware that this is probably just a computer phone program- but the least he could have done is buy Canadian.