Motormaster's Warranty

I had to help a friend this afternoon who was having car trouble. It turns out that the replacement parts are good for the life of the car.

Does this mean that if I get a car that is completely made out of Motormaster parts that I will never have to buy a car again?

I have investigated further, and there are only eight pieces to your standard car that Motormaster doesn't make. The most important of which is the body. Details, I say.

They do, however, rebuild engines and have the component parts to said vehicular organs.

I love Canadian Tire. Their currency is the most stable on the planet. I especially love the guy with the beard who they fired. I loved the one where he had a garage sale to get rid of the all the crap that he bought at Canadian tire last summer because he got new stuff.

Ryder Cup Size

Last weekend, the European Golf professionals assembled in Ireland gave the United States a total thrashing. It was their third consecutive victory.

In 1979, the Ryder Cup was a huge deal because it was the first time the US was facing "Europe" instead of just the United Kingdom. Since that change, the Europeans have won 8 of 14 events.

More importantly, however, was what happened in 1994. The President's Cup was created by then bored George H.W. Bush. The event was scheduled on opposite years of the Ryder Cup, and featured the "Rest of the world" versus the U.S. The International team has won it once, and it has been a tie once, the US has won every other event.

Just so we are clear, the Yanks play a series of matches every September. They alternate between Europe and the Rest of the World in any given year. Sounds like their foreign policy.

America, however, is bored with it, and so am I. Back in the day, I used to get excited about the Ryder Cup because it was every second year, I suspect that they got excited about it too because it was a chance to represent their country.

Similarly, there have been players gripe about how busy they are and how they will not participate in the President's Cup as a result.

I have a solution. Every year, the four best clubs in Ottawa play a series of "Intersectional matches" against one another. They top ten players from all four clubs play matches against each other simultaneously. So we are clear, if we all make fours on the first hole, everyone is even, on the next whole, I make a ten, and I am one down to everyone. I am sure you get the idea.

To make the Ryder Cup more interesting, and to presumably save the President's Cup, I would propose blending the two events into one. Have the US, Europe and the ROW play matches against each other at the same time.

For starters, it would re-energize an event that is lagging in popularity everywhere except Europe. More importantly, it would make it really interesting as professionals, who aren't used to playing matches against two groups, change their strategies from shot to shot- advance on the Americans while defending against the Europeans, for example.

The rest of the rules can stay the same. The best part about my plan is that there are few people who can use "tradition" as an excuse.

Saint Bernard

After a surprising defeat at the hands of Mr. Shawn Graham's (L - WhatthefuckdoIdonow) Liberals in New Brunswick, Bernard Lord (PC - Timber and Frozen food) is suddenly looking for a new job.

Surprisingly, many pundits instinctively wrote him out of politics forever. I was one of them. I mean, he lost right? LOOO-SER.

Then I thought about it for a few seconds. History is littered with examples of politicians who have lost only to come back. In fact, the current liberal leadership race has one of them: Bob Rae (L - second ballot support). Time will tell with Bingo Bob.

Richard Nixon (R - Missed Saigon) lost the presidency, and then a gubernatorial election in California, before winning the oval office in 1968. Maybe history shouldn't use the two-time loser Nixon as the best example of trimphantly returning....Bill Clinton (D - Speaking engagement) lost the governors' mansion in Little Rock before being returned and subsequently promoted by the American people. Ujjal Dosanjh (L - Convenience) lost 75-2 in the darkest election in the history of the BC (before Campbell) NDP in before he slinked into a federal liberal Cabinet position.

Sure, Lord's party didn't win re-election, but his share of the popular vote went up, and his party finished higher in the popular vote than did the majority winning Liberals. Yet another example to fuel the fires of electoral reform in a land still dominated by first past the post.

The best view of the New Brunswick election isn't that the Liberals won, but that the NDP were crushed. Their popular vote was reduced to less than five percent when they traditionally won over ten. To be fair, Lord lost three seats, and didn't win the NDP's lone seat. A crushing defeat indeed.

I bet that Mr. Lord will stampede triumphantly back into the limelight. I think that in the next federal election he will run as a Tory (along with PEI Premier Pat Binns). I think it is possible that they are both put in cabinet before then. He has denied it, but the first rule about comebacks is to deny that the first career is even over. Saying he would make the jump now would make the next year impossible as the leader of the opposition in New Brunswick.

The real scandal that I see in this election is the fact that the Liberals won 29 seats and the Tory's won 26. That means there are 55 seats in New Brunswick. The most recent census has the population at 757,100. That is just under 14,000 per seat. There are city councilors in Kingston that represent more people.

I should write for Sports Illustrated

Because their cover story this week was my last post!!!

I have a lot of adventures to share from my last week, but as Parliament has returned, politics will be the focus again soon, I promise.

As an aside, I now know for sure that the Federal Accountability Act, and the mood generally, has changed Ottawa significantly because it was easier for me to meet with senior staff to Cabinet Secretaries in the States than it is to meet with their equivalents in Canada. Granted, I wasn't the one setting up the meetings, and I could have met with my counterpart's cousin for all I know.

In other words, FAAttawa (TM) is too strict.

A Rod when it matters, A-Rod when it doesn't

It is a well established fact that I love the New York Yankees. They are wicked awesome and can do almost no wrong. As such, I am bound to love their players unconditionally. Last year I loved Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) when he smacked 50 Homers and won the MVP. He fell flat in the playoffs, but who cares- right?

Wrong- let's look at this year- he is sitting on 33 homers, ten of which have magically appeared since the Yankees vaulted past the Red Sox into first place. He had the worst slump of his career this summer, and made like 20 errors in 37 games in June-July. Now that it doesn't matter anymore, he is a champion.

There isn't a direct corrleation, but jesus, a 25 million dollar player who only hits dingers when it doesn't matter? Great.

I hope I am wrong. I hope that A-Rod dominates in the playoffs and makes a fool out of all his critics. I hope that he wins the World Series MVP and goes to Disneyworld. I think, however, that he will bat around .200 and will be lamentably poor during the post-season.

Luckily, with the exception of the 1927 New York Yankees, his current team is the most awesome offensive force in the history of the league.

It's just too bad that he can't play big time ball.

Boxing Day

I have never been a really big fan of professional boxing, but as someone who has put on the gloves and punched well above his weight class when he was 20, and well below it when he turned 30, I have always maintained a casual interest in this raw pugilism.

I have always believed that in the same way insurance is simply legalized betting/handicapping, boxing is essentially legalized assault and battery. The libertarian in me says "If you want to get your brains beaten in, go nuts."

There are many boxers with whom I am fascinated with, and that has more to do with the things they did outside the ring then it does with what they did inside of it. It often makes me wonder- what is wrong with boxers? Why does George Foreman name all of his children George? It can't be out of curiosity.

There are two that stand out- in and of themselves eras in a sport that literally picked itself up off the mat more times than I can count. Mike Tyson and Cassius Clay.

Cassius Clay, stoically standing with raised arm and a clenched fist on the podium in Rome, subsequently used his position of notoriety to defiantly lament a vicious war that he didn't even pretend to understand (and I mean this in an uninsulting way.) "Why should I go and kill other poor people that have never done anything wrong to me." Philosopher Kings could not have espoused it any better. When he was granted a Muslim name, he was proud of it. As a result of it and the activism associated with his religious beliefs, he encountered discrimination in all 50 US States, the likes of which would create havoc for libertarians the world over in this era.

There are hundreds of chapters in hundreds of books about the true impact that Muhammad Ali had on the civil rights movement, and many scholars say that but for his involvement in the civil rights movement, it would not have enjoyed the popular support that it did- both in the African American community and in the White community. He was also seen as a moderate ally of the nation of Islam, despite a blind allegiance to its prophet Elijah. The movie didn't really do it justice.

Like so many other professional athletes, personal troubles and swindling handlers deprived him of long standing dignity- to the point he was forced to fight well passed his prime - which no doubt contributed to his rapidly declining health. He now lives, albeit comfortably, on the charity of others.

Mike Tyson is arguably the most impressive physical specimen to ever compete in any sport, let alone boxing. At his prime, he was 220 pounds of rock hard granite. He fought in seven consecutive fights for the largest payday in the history of professional sports. Now gets free room and board from a Las Vegas Hotel in exchange for "training" three hours a day and walking the Casino floor for another three.

He is an animal on display, so is anyone really surprised that he has so often acted like one?History will not remember the ten first round knockouts. History will remember the carnival. Personally, I want to meet "that guy." You know, the guy that Tyson fought in prison just to remind everyone he was Mike Tyson. "That guy," or for that matter "those guys" have a story to tell. I bet it is an awesome story.

Boxing has a lot of problems, as do many other professional sports, but for some reason, their problems are so seedy. It is, ironically, the least regulated of all sports despite the DIRECT role the U.S. States take in the licensing of matches and boxers. There are a hodge-podge of international organizations that claim to watch over the athletes in their stables.

By contrast, the NBA has a pension program and works directly with schools and inner cities. The NFL receives almost as much money from state gaming officials as it does from ticket revenue. The NHL regulates agents. The MLB guarantee that single A and double A players have chaperones.

Boxing is just beating itself up. Boxers can, and should, have a union too. If they did, I think Mike Tyson's legacy would have been very different.

Ok, so I was wrong - Go Heat Go!

Two years ago, I gave up watching football. I was never really in love with the game, and there is just too much information to store in my little head. Football is very much like chess with really big pawns, and requires more strategy than any other game besides basketball, so you would think that I would like it, but the off-field antics of their "stars" just started getting to me. I am not saying that the other three sports are much better, but the level of idiocy demonstrated by the so called stars of the continent's most profitable sport just infuriates me. Terrell Owens must think he is Jesse Owens, and that is just not cool.

So, I decided to phase football out so I could concentrate on the other three professional sports with the promise that I would phase out basketball within two years. Never would I abandon Baseball, and Hockey is more important than religion in Canada. One sport for summer, one for winter- it works better this way.

Two years have passed, and it would appear that I have at least one more year of watching basketball until I give it up forever.

For the record, I have to admit an error I made. After the Miami Heat won the title in June, I prognosticated that their team wouldn't win again, but that was ok because after 15 years of wanting them to win, I could retire from watching basketball with pride. The key reason for my prediction was that two aging veterans (Gary Payton and Alonzo Mourning) would not return now that they both had the title they had been long yearning for. Yesterday, Gary Payton inked a one year deal and earlier in August, Zo did the same thing. His contract included a clause that if he killed and ate any opposing players he would receive a bonus.

I too, must make a comeback. The heat remain my favourite team, but I would barely give them even money to repeat again. The boys are a year older- which for D-Wade is great, but for the other three, not so great.

BUT There are two other teams I have my eye on-

The Chicago Bulls (1995-96, arguably the best team of all time at 72-10) pulled off the coup of the millennium by signing away the rival Detroit Pistons best player Ben "The rebound" Wallace. Because of my hatred for the Pistons (they blow) I was never able to cheer for Big Ben before. The Bulls are no longer so fresh that they can't win big games, and they are just fresh enough to run other teams into the ground- and did I mention that one of the best defenses in the league just signed the leagues' best defensive player? Scoring on the Bulls is going to be tougher than scoring at a papal conclave.

Another former favorite of mine (LJ RIP) - The New York Knicks - may in fact be the worst team in the history of the NBA this year. I honestly think that Dave Checketts lost a bet or something- it is the only logical explanation for why he continues to let Isaiah "EEK not zeke" Thomas run the show. I used to do a bit involving a fictitious re-enactment between two V.P.s of Basketball operations laughing about having Isaiah on their speed dial to get rid of their high priced and underperforming talent. Offer it to Isaiah, he will buy anything.

As an interesting aside - Kobe vs. Lebron. The answer is still Kobe, but not for much longer. For the love of the game I hope that Kobe grows up sooner or later. If he thinks he was supposed to be the "air" apparent, he might try passing. I can't believe Phil Jackson puts up with this guy. For that matter, I can't believe Kobe puts up with Jackson considering he called him a baby in a best-selling book about how Shaq was the man.

One more year.

The Undefeated Charles Darwin

"Shot through the heart, and you're to blame, you gave animal activists a bad name

You played your part, and you played your game, Few were surprised, just the same"

Normally, it is really tacky to make fun of the dead, but come on- did no one else see this coming? The fact that Steve Irwin (The Crocodile Hunter) was accidentally killed by a stingray (of all things) shows just how dangerous wild animals are, even if you are a trained professional. The obverse is, of course, that Steve Irwin was always reckless, he was just really lucky for a really long time.

A million years ago when I fancied myself as a really bad stand-in for stand-up comedians, I did a bit on this relatively new, albeit crazy, Australian who would chase after really dangerous animals. I concocted an image of his wife, sitting in a boat, endlessly waiting for Steve to surface. Three weeks later, the "crocodile hunter" would be back on television with a new host. No one would actually know what happened, but everyone would know exactly what happened.

For the record, Steve Irwin did a lot of good for pushing animal rights and dispelling certain myths about large predators, venomous reptiles and the common sense of Australians. Though he labelled himself as their protector and as a naturalist, he would routinely pick up these creatures for your viewing pleasure. There are lots of equally effective advocates who don't grab animals by their necks or make a fortune by invading their habitats.

The "War" on terror

I have a friend who is remarkably intelligent but almost certainly crazy. He honestly believes that the CIA started the war on terror by making it look like there were two planes crashing into downtown buildings. They also hired Osama bin laden to do the follow up tapes...

I don't like to engage in any form of conspiracy theory, but I have convinced myself that I believe in a few absolute truths about the so called "war on terror."

Absolute Truth number 1: This is not a war on Terror- that is just spin. This is a war on America.

Even if you believe America didn't start the war, this is not a war against freedom, or democracy, or a way of life. This is a war on America hegemony in a part of the world where, quite frankly, they have no business being in the first place.

However, I think America started this war. They didn't invade Iraq (the first time) to protect the Kuwait, they did it to protect oil. Any other theory is absurd because they didn't make a habit of protecting democracy in Sub-saharan Africa.

In so doing, they build a completely unecessary air force base that further irritated the locals. Reagan Class aircraft carriers hold more planes than those bases do and have an effective range of continental Europe.

The British have turned it into the war on terror. It was how they turned Belfast into Belslow. It was a conveniant way for them to deal with the biggest problem they couldn't deal with- IRA fundraising in the American North East. September 12th was a long day for freedom fighter fundraisers.

Israel, Russia and even China had a lot to gain from a war on Terror. But not on a war against America. So did Spain, but they pulled out after they got bombed.

Absolute Truth number 2: Canada should not be involved in the "peace process" in the region

Since it isn't a war on terror or democracy, Canada's involvement as an ally of America is...what exactly? We didn't jump into Iraq as an ally, so why are we jumping into this? America stirs up a hornets nest in the WORST battlefield the planet has, and then leaves it to us to clean up and police? We didn't start the fire, it was always burning, since the world's been turning.

There is a particularly tasteless, yet apt, cartoon in the Hill Times last week about the support for the war being directly correlated to the number of caskets returning. Why should any Canadians die as a result of poor American Foreign Policy?

I understand the role for Canada as a safe middle power. I lament the horrors that the now-toppled regimes have committed against their own citizens. AND I feel for the victims of horrific acts of terrorism. Ultimately, its not our problem and there are several other world scenarios where Canada's investment could be far more valuable. We can only do so much, why can't we focus on where we can do the most good?

Some people think that is cowardly- which leads me directly to AT#3

Absolute Truth number 3: I am a dove

Jack Layton has been on the quasi-national political scene for almost three years. Until yesterday, he has said exactly zero things that I have ever agreed with. Yesterday, he broke the mold.

As best as I can tell, there is no direction for Canada's current mission. There is no measure for success. There is no end date. There are only casulties.

Our role is to spell American efforts in the Middle East so they can refortify and more effectively police Iraq. Suggesting Canada is not at war in Iraq is kind of like saying that the offensive line on a football team isn't trying to score points. While technically true, without the O-line, the Quartback would be killed before he could throw a pass. We are knowing accomplices. And for what? Does America even try to solve our trade issues? No. Does America recognize our claim to the North? No. Does America thank us for the help on September 11th? No. Some ally.

By engaging in this fools' errand, we are making ourselves a target of the would be terrorists. Sweden doesn't get bombed that much, and they certainly don't get bombed for American Oil.