Liberal views on Pluto

With the state of the universe in the balance, several liberal leadership hopefuls have joined in on the debate on the celestial status of Pluto.

Professor Ignatieff, known for his strong foreign policy positions, demanded Canadian action to protect Pluto. "Planets are just another form of nation," he quipped "and we have to assure that nations are protected." Joe Volpe Agreed. He likes to agree. "The position of our party has always been that the state of Israel has the right to defend itself from all external threats." When reminded of the issue at hand, Mr. Volpe quickly backtracked and said - "if Pluto is no longer a planet, where will the Canadian Nu-cle-ar industry get its plutonium?"

Former Environment Minister Stephane Dion regretted the reclassification, and vehemently disagreed with it. "Pluto should not be punished for reducing its greenhouse gases. As the planet with the least amount of gases, its work should be lauded, not punished. Canada has much to learn from its efforts. Pluto was the most affected by the issues surrounding global warming, and like Prince Edward Island, it would have suffered as a result of climatic change. Pluto should be rewarded for working to save itself."

Liberal outsider Martha Hall Findlay looked great.

Pluto native Dr. Hedy Fry lamented party rules that prevented her from signing up new members. Belinda Stronach, once heralded as a front runner, agreed. "Every liberal should get a vote on the status of the planet," she said from her roof-top observatory. Former Ontario Premier Bob Rae shared the concern, noting that Pluto was probably the only place he could escape the wrath of Ontario voters.

Ken Dryden, stoically looking up at the stars, noted he could not see Pluto. Unphased, he provided a seven hour seminar to the gathered masses about the relative merits of the competing scientific theories involved in celestial classification. "Pluto's ecliptic 248 year orbit makes it unique and may make it crash into Neptune in 2875. Reclassifying it is an insult to Clyde Tombaugh."

Former Ontario Education Minister Gerrard Kennedy lashed out at the printing industry. "The only beneficiaries of this are the publishing companies. In the past, they invented that base-6 crap so that we would buy new textbooks." Speaking to a crowd of supporters at a bingo hall, Mr. Kennedy called out the final number before concluding "G-57. When are we going to stop letting experts tell us what to teach our children?"

Scott Brison was less concerned with labels. Staring at himself in a mirror, Brison pronounced that "as a life long Liberal thinker, it is important that we recognize the substance. What Pluto used to be called isn't as important as what Pluto is now. Planet or comet, Liberal or Tory, we all share the same vision. And it is a vision that is completely antithetical to the one of the current government." Speaking under the condition of anonymity, Brison supporters see this as a divisive issue for their campaign "Greek labels can't be good for our campaign, we need to get off this issue as soon as possible."

Dr. Carolyn Bennett, a former Minister and admitted dark-horse candidate, laughed off the entire discussion. "It's ridiculous," she said from her constituency office, "the entire debate is premised on the idea that Pluto orbits the sun. Everyone knows that it orbits Toronto like everything else."