What happened in Bali - Dr. Seuss Style

When the Who's left Kyoto, they were actually singing,
But they had no idea what Santa was actually bringing.
The who's had a champion, he was vice-Who when he signed.
When he lost to the Grinch, his reputation was maligned.
The promises he made dropped out of sight,
Like Santa's sleigh, they slipped away into the night.

Ten years later, the Who's gathered in Bali this time.
Half-heatedly expecting an international crime.
These Who's didn't see what was the matter
And why the Grinches couldn't dim down the clatter.

The Who's met their goals, their targets were clear
The Grinches couldn't even agree on the year.
The Grinch furled his brown, lamented the progress he made
His emissions, however, grew three sizes that decade.

"Your emissions are high, and your gases will trap
All the heat created by your long winter's nap.
By melting your snow, and filling the sea
You are taking away all of our sovereignty."

The Grinch has since learned all of the facts,
So he sent to negotiate his trusted friend Max.
The pup had a plan, it wasn't all bluster
He screamed out loud with all the strength he could muster.

"You Who's down in Whoville - your emissions are low
They are high in Grinch land, its tough - don't you know.
Before we will act, Who's must cap what they emit
Until that you do that, the Grinch won't sign shit."

Who's called Max a Luddite, a dino, a boor
But Max held firm to his promise to sewer
The talks if he didn't get his way quick
At home, it was thought he was being a dick

Right before they went home, no deal was in sight
The tables turned, on Max's last night
They agreed, in principle, about the right thing to do
We will go forward together, leaving this zoo

And Cindy Lou Who, patiently waiting at home
Wonders if when she is older, she will live in a dome
Because last time they agreed to reduce all those gases
They did nothing but sit around on their fat lazy asses.

What Snow?

Dear Luddites,

Thank you for your continued lobby efforts on the adoption, by the federal and provincial governments, of the California emissions GHG regulation for new vehicle fuel efficiency standards. Notwithstanding the fact that the standard is not even good law in California, it is not technically feasible, and partial implementation it would create a "patchwork" approach to vehicle regulation in North America- I wanted to take this opportunity to remind you of one important element: It is called the California (not Norsk) standard for a reason.

You see, in California (a state which over half of which is a desert) they have this thing we don't have - its called perpetual summer. In this perpetual summer, they don't get (for example) a foot and a half of snow overnight. The average temperature is significantly higher than it is, ...say, HERE. The average precipitation that doesn't melt on contact is about a millionth of what it is, ...say, HERE. They do have to deal with armadillos.

Now, there are three ways to achieve the California Standard: mandate the adoption of news/better technology (which you can't regulate, btw - if you could, I think you should start with legislating a better knee for humans), decrease the availability of larger vehicles to reduce the corporate average fuel economy or drastically reduce the weight of vehicles. As it stands now, 99% of vehicles produced in North America would not qualify under the standard by the year 2016. Luckily in California, they have much better fuel quality standards to put into their over 41 million vehicles (personal, fleet, transportation and, of course, white broncos.)

In the case of the last two items, I think that the last 48 hours in Ottawa bears striking witness to why this is a poor idea. Not that I was counting, but I didn't see any SUVs stuck in the snow. I also didn't see any Priuses, Yarises or Accords (Oh my). I suspect this was because their owners looked outside the window and said "I think today is a snow day" and went back to eating twigs and berries.

I suppose you can suggest to the world that whenever it snows we should simply stop what we are doing. Maybe call in the Army. Cover ourselves under blankets and wait for the snow to melt. Bah, Flimshaw.

Large vehicles are important in our climate. Like every other type of vehicle, their fuel economy and safety features are improved every year. It is incredibly...metropolitanist to regulate away from the size and type of vehicles that people in the country (you know, those who don't live where there are snow plows) need to get around.

Large vehicles are also safer. Notwithstanding the ice and snow - and the treacherous conditions they create for all drivers, not just those with four wheel drive - larger vehicles provide for more weight and protection around passengers. I will concede that if everyone drove small cars, the vehicle to vehicle accidents would have fewer fatalities - but you don't see a lot of buses that are as small as your Smart Car do you? Not to mention that the vast majority of vehicle fatalities are still a direct result of one-vehicle incidents. You hit a tree in a Yaris and you are fucked. My airbag goes off, the fender gets dented and the Air Conditioner releases a puff of "Calvin Klein's - Escape." I am pretty sure an armadillo would take out a smart car.

Don't get me wrong - I think we should reduce GHGs. I just think there are way smarter ways to do it than telling people to drive vehicles that they can't drive six months at a time.

Sports and the the Law...

Wasn't there a movie about this starring Burt Reynolds?

No Seriously.

Barry Bonds gets arrested - not for using a controlled substance - for purgery and associated charges for obstructing justice. Awesome. He pleads not guilty because "I didn't know" what they were jamming in my ass.

This article, however, makes me very mad. When will people stop making this about race? This isn't about race - it was never about race. Want proof? Jason Giambi is NOT black. Neither is Jose Canseco. Neither is Raphael Palmero (whose Hall of Fame career is in serious jeopardy.)

And, McGuire didn't break the law the way Bonds did. In fact, he plead the fifth to avoid breaking the law.

McGuire is also not throwing it the face of everyone the same way Bonds is. McGuire hasn't made a public appearance in two years. Duck and cover is way better than leading with the chin.

I am also a little concerned that the Mitchell Report will not focus on solutions to the problem, but will point the finger at players, coaches and managers for allowing the epidemic to mushroom. There is no doubt that at the turn of the century, the number of people on the needle far exceeded those who weren't. It is too bad that the same "juice" that saved baseball in the late 1990s is now the scarlet letter that all sluggers are wearing.

So, this week as Baseball writers get their ballots for the Hall of Fame - let's hope twice as many as last year acknowledge what McGuire did do on the field and are less concerned about how he did it. He remains the first, and biggest, example of what saved baseball. Rest assured, there are a lot of others that are ducking behind him. Let Bond's hang himself all he wants - it would be a cold day in hell when a man who has already hit more home runs than anyone else doesn't get into the Hall. Mcguire at least did it with dignity.

Pears

I can't go into real details, but in the very near future Government is - by accident or duplicitous cagey planning that makes no sense to me - put itself in a position where it will have to declare pears (yes, pears - like this one) CEPA Toxic.

Pears.

In your homes.

Bali Would...

The last time Canada negotiated a treaty on the reduction of GHGs - the two instructions the negotiators and Minister of the Environment had were 1) Do better than the U.S. and 2) Don't sweat the details - stick to broad targets and principled change. It was an ambitious view for a Prime Minister (L - How I miss thee) who was trying to look like a world leader. The negotiation strategy was, literally, worked out on a cocktail napkin in first class on the way over to Japan. I have spoken to two different people who were on the plane who can confirm this.

As it turns out, the details excluded, amongst other things, Canadian trees from qualifying for clean air credits for absorbing carbon, and doing better than the United States set our targets phenomenally high. This is because the United States position was being negotiated by Al Gore (D - Not done yet) and the U.S made the same mistake Canada did- it forgot that all countries and economies are not the same.

Well, Mr. Gore's perfect little treaty (PLT) was resoundingly rejected by the Equal, Effective and Elected U.S. Senate. Its great when you tag your emissions targets to your greatest competitor for new investment only to have its parents say "it is time for you to come home!" What am I going to do with 6 kilo tonnes of girl guide cookies?

And then our economy grew by 34%, and our population added four million people. Do more with less, I always say.

This time around, we are far better prepared. Not because we have a Conservative instead of a Liberal - because we have had more than a decade talking about this issue to understand all of the things that makes Canada (and other northern countries) unique. The most important part of it is that where we live - its really cold and we do not benefit from "energy of scale" the same way a country like England does (that means our country is spread out.) It is bigger than Europe, after all.

There are a lot of Kyoto-phobes (myself included) that can pick apart the text of the agreement and say "that doesn't work in Canada" and there are a lot of Kyoto-philes who say "we have to make it work, damn the torpedoes." It doesn't matter anymore. Industry in Canada is mature enough to understand that energy efficiency is en vogue - and unless you make oil from sand, your emissions reductions are well underway.

I strongly advise our Environment Minister (C - God, I want a new job) to keep Bird-Hagel in mind as he listens to the U.S. position. Last time, the Canadian Minister was in the back seat to a U.S. Vice President who was in charge of the file but didn't have the constitutional authority to follow up his promises. This time, the positions are entirely reversed - the U.S. negotiator (whomever it is) will not do enough to satisfy Congress. Mr. Reid (D - Black 17) has said that the United States has to do more - whatever that means.

The Congress will likely reject whatever the administration ratifies because of the completely emasculated internal political position it is negotiating from. All the serious Democratic candidates will lambaste the U.S. position as soft on Big Oil. All the serious Republican candidates will distance themselves from the current administration and say they would do more. California will say that they are banning cars altogether.

All the while, Mr. Baird should sit back and wait to be the comfortable middle power. I am sure some clever international affairs student will note that Mr. Baird's legislature has already commanded him to meet Kyoto - and he will say - "Oh, that. HA. Don't worry - our legislature can't stop us like yours can stop you." And he would be right, because he launched a plan pursuant to KPIA - it just sucked. Slap his wrists.

The government's very measured, very mature, very practical position that everyone has to be involved in the way that is most reasonable for their economies and emission sources should resonate very loudly in Bali. He has to be wary of a U.S. negotiator who will have an ambitious position that the Congress has already decided to reject.

This time, the Government also has to be very honest about what this will cost. It has to tell YOU that the price of energy is going to go up even more (Canadians do enjoy extremely cheap energy by comparison, btw.) It has to tell YOU that goods are going to be more expensive. It has to tell YOU to put on a sweater.

America just has to flip the switch on Vegas - and it would meet every GHG target imaginable. Think about it - most of the wealth transfer comes from inside the U.S. anyway. And, when the next President is in charge (R - Huck-a-barkansas, R - Mitt-achusetts, R Law & Order or R 9-11) he will ask G-d to finish what she started in New Sodom in New Gomorrah. If you don't know what I am referring to - have some beads.

Mr. Baird also has to remember that our trees absorb carbon and that a resource based economy will emit more than a non-resource based economy. Last time the Saudi's demanded compensation for reduced energy use - they didn't get it, but at least they saw the bigger picture. Unlike the Canadian negotiators who were focused squarely on out Gore-ing Al Gore.