License to IL

Dear Kim:

Congratulations on your most recent rocket test. I am inspired by the ability of your rockets to travel almost seven hundred yards. Considering that these rockets have a target of Alaska (a strategically important target) the significant strides you must make to reach that goal are a testament to the hunger that your people will endure in order to strike out against those capitalist king crabbers. The irony is delicious. Not nearly as delicious as you look like- the most recent photo I saw with your castro-esque fatigues and chia-head hairdo are to die for.

It is my regret to inform you, however, that despite your numerous requests for no attention whatsoever, dear leader, your military advancements are starting to annoy those to our south. As you can see, you and I share much in common as my current antagonist - the free trading, non-tariff barrier erecting capitalist dogs to your south monopolize (pun intended) most of my free time. Your southern antagonists and capitalist oppressors who wish to reunite families despite the impact of emotions on the Democratic Republic of Korea, while my southern oppressors are forcing me to carry an identity card when approaching their border. So lucky are your subjects knowing that they cannot know the oppression of an over-weight border security agent.

I have been provided with the authority to trade with you the living rights to numerous movie stars (like Matt Damon) in exchange for a promise from you to arrest your behavior and promise to seek no more "un"-attention. While it is clear to me that your Stalinist ways and military build-up is for the pride of the Democratic Republic of Korea, others feel that it is a show of aggression on your part. As if the Japanese have anything to fear from you when the nuclear behemoth Godzilla still roams free. The inevitable, and completely planned, nuclear event in Pyongyang that will create Jongzilla will be the turn that will forever cement your name into the Geiger counter of history.

Like you, I am lonely for the company of like-minded men. Unlike you, there is no race to succeed me and CIA operatives plotting to remove you in a very bloody coup (which is French for neck, through which all of my blood flows.) I long for your continued life, and suggest, for my own sake, that you focus your inexplicable intellect on providing your disciplines with sustenance which they can choose to reject in order to further the great leader's communist dream, rather than tempt them into stealing from each other.

With dying affection,

Atlas Huggs you, Dear Kim.